My Proof; The Touch

Yo~ all~ long time no see~ (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧彡

How have you been? Felt the misery~?


Today, let’s talk about something i rarely discuss.

Yup, Relationship~ (ノ)´∀`(ヾ)


Ever feel love someone to death?

Feelings of be loved to death?

✿♥‿♥✿ How beautiful~


Some relationships are the cheesy one,

the classic story,

the fairy-tale version,

or just a realistic one.


I speak in behave of reality _(:3 」∠ )_


In my opinion, someone need, at least, that one reason which keep her/him stay in a relationship.


In my opinion, it’s my will to stay. The acceptance of loving the other.


Seems good, eh?


But don’t you think that something like that sounds… unrealistic?

(wow, i used THAT for the first time~!)

I mean,

yes, i was the one who would think something like that.



I understand the importance of a proof.

A proof of you “being loved,”.

ヾ(◜▿‾ 三 ‾▿◝)ノ


In some cases, the proof could be a simple sentence, “I like you,” or “Honey,”.

In some cases, the proof could be the different attitude yours do to you. Being prioritized? Sounds good~

In some cases, physical touch could be the alternative of getting proof.


You know, when someone already told you that you’re interesting, physical touches are things they do to express their feelings and getting the proof of “being loved,”.


I think that’s okay~ each one of us has different love language.




The next question is, how could you get a proof of ‘being loved’?


When was the last time your partner’s saying, “I love you,”?


Yet, when was the last time your partner is chatting someone else in front of you?

( ◜◒◝ )


I know exactly.

I’m still not used to be “believed,”.

I’m used to your “disbelief” in this relationship.

#aaw~ ヘ(゚∀゚*)ノ


I need some proof and the physical touches are one thing that i accept as proof.


I need them.

The proof.



How could you believe of being loved when your partner is rejecting your touches every single time they sleep?

┐( ̄ヮ ̄)┌

Subconsciously rejected.


Yeah, human’s are really weak, aren’t they~?

Izaya said so.

They need companion to be with.


Izaya also said something about companion,

If anyone could meet with such a situation and take it easy by just going “Oh, I see.”, then they probably wouldn’t have needed a ‘companion’ to die with.


Maybe i just need to be that type of human again~ As Izaya said~



Once again, let’s try to be someone who is okay to die alone.


I Love You means

This is what i called, “Reciprocal”~ \(///Σ///)\

Ankit Mishra

I LOVE YOU means that I accept you for the person that you are and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means the I do not expect perfection from you- just as you do not expect it from me.

It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of the times. It means loving you when you are in bad mood or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down – not just when you’re fun to be with.

‘I Love You’ means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them – asking only in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love enough not to let…

View original post 25 more words


Aloneness. Fulfillment.

“What makes us happiest in life?”

Fabulous? Fame? Money?

Some studies show that most of people said : Friends and families.

But in other hand, it is theorized that we are born with the need to be alone and to be connected with others.

Friends and families aren’t causal of happiness. Nor misery.

“Ourselves” affect our happiness.


There is this big difference between loneliness and aloneness.

Incomplete, sad, a feeling of something missing –that’s loneliness.

presence, fullness, aliveness, joy of being, complete feeling –that’s aloneness.

However, aloneness could be reached by love.

(I’m not flagging here, i swear.)

By loving someone, we don’t feel loneliness, because somebody is “there”.

“Real love is not a search to combat loneliness. Real love is to transform loneliness into aloneness, to help the other,”

The quote i found today about aloneness.

So, It doesn’t mean you have to be there physically all the time.

I know, that’s important, but the feeling of completeness even the other is absent, differ “love” and “lust”.

“Aloneness”. I feel that these days. And i hope it continues.

Somehow, we don’t try to fill up or complete each other by ours.

We are free to do things, talk so much topics, angry, blame each other.

And eventually we are hugging each other, walk side by side again.

I think that the most difficult part of relationship and reach this “aloneness” is our individualities.

But i think we understand how to handle it.

By understanding that there is “us”.

That’s why we stay, feel the “aloneness”.

We are happy by the fact that we have “us”.


Scared. Gotta Run. Loved and Being Loved. Stay

Quick post.

I’m scared right now.

Nope, Not because the 2-sentences-horror story i’ve read yesterday.

…Well, it made me hard to fall asleep, though.


I’m scared. This morning i woke up by someone yelling at me.

She was angry because i didn’t help her to cook the breakfast.

She told me anything. The fact that i’m just nobody in this house.

Stay here because of his kindness. That human request.

She wanted at least i could help her to cook. Not cleaning the house.

She said she tolerate me on weekdays because of my school.

But not now. When there’s no one’s home except that human friend, who pays everything to stay.

Not like me.


I’m scared. I want to go home. I want to runaway from this situation, which stay as long as i attend the school. 

I want to runaway from this guilt of being nobody.

At least, there, in ‘my house’, i could do something to make sure i am somebody.

Without the feeling of guilt and anxiety.


But i know exactly why i want to stay.

I love that human. I couldn’t leave because of this tiny problem.

I want to stay close to her…


I love her, i know i’m scared, but i don’t know how to deal with these two feelings.

Pathetic. Me.


Zero and Obvious

We talked much about this topic.

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧彡 Zero.

(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧彡 Null-state.


Somehow, you accuse me that i am not on zero.

I’m not strong enough? I have to ask forgiveness from people.

Forgive myself.

( ̄□ ̄;) what’s the point of forgiving myself…


When we talked about “Japan” and reality,

You pitied me. You said that i’m so sad.

In your opinion, i am giving up.


Nope~ о(ж>▽<)y ☆

I know exactly i wanna go to Japan, live there.

At the same time, i know exactly where i am now, live here.


For me, idealism and reality aren’t options.

They walk together, side by side.

Just like us.



“Isn’t it obvious for human-being having idealism on this reality?”


Giving Up


I am saying,

“Thank you for these days,” and “Thank you for the next days,”.



It feels like, uh… i know i am losing to Izaya’s logic, but i had to admit.

( ̄□ ̄;)

Loving human as object, the way Izaya’s, seems effective to keep our ‘feels’.

I didn’t do this time, though.


Okay, you. Yes, you.

You made me feel this kind of realist relationship.

I love us. I love to stay. I love you.


I just hate myself in this relationship.

The physique, the touch, the intimate things, are the only one i could give.

I want to copy-paste my physique or be your doll, if i could do.



Thank you for staying with me. For the words. For the things you do.

Even if it’s just a facade.

At least, i feel that this is the relationship i “wish”.

Thank you for fulfilling my wish.


I give up on me.

I won’t start any kind of relationship. Just this once.

I won’t. Again.